THE WAD-OF-CASH TEST
The One-Dollar Bill
You are most likely still able to get your hands on a buck. And since this is the most common denomination of United States paper currency, let’s see who we value most …. George Washington – our first president and a military man. One up for the military. Interestingly enough, however, General Washington’s portrait was not the first one on the dollar. The original bill was issued in 1862 with a portrait of Salmon P. Chase, the Secretary of the Treasury under President Abraham Lincoln (a lawyer) – and one who thought that making “greenbacks” legal tender, although inheritable, was a dangerous step. (Perhaps he was right.) And even more importantly, at least in giving us guidance, Chase was a lawyer – in fact a lawyer who served as Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court. But Chase was later wiped out by General George. The $1 United States Note was redesigned in 1869 with a portrait of Washington in the center. So it is the military one; lawyers zero.
The Two-Dollar Bill
But wait! Guess who’s on the two-dollar bill? It’s a lawyer – in fact the drafter of the Declaration of Independence and third president of the United States: Thomas Jefferson. It does not bode well, however, for the case of lawyer Obama over military-man McCain that the two-dollar bill is one of the most rarely seen bills in circulation. They are as rare as hens teeth and as useful as teats on a bore. Consequently, it is unlikely that your wad of cash contains one. Nevertheless, on a straight numerical count it is one-to-one: military man versus lawyer.
The Five-Dollar Bill
Lawyers jump ahead! One of the undisputed presidential heavy weights of all time shows up on the “fin”: honest Abe Lincoln – arguably one of America’s greatest presidents. And unlike the reclusive two-dollar bill, the five represents about nine percent of all paper currency produced by the U.S. Treasury’s Bureau of Engraving and Printing. And just because lawyer-President Lincoln is so revered for having saved the Union and freed the slaves, a point we’ll discuss later, his profile is also on the massive amount of pennies hiding under cushions, stuffed into piggy banks, and swirling through the economy.
The Ten Dollar Bill
One might start to sense a landslide for lawyers. But caution is needed when it comes to the ten-dollar bill. While the portrait on the “sawbuck” is that of lawyer Alexander Hamilton, he never made it to the presidency, having been shot dead. But if lawyer-Vice President of the United States, Aaron Burr, had not put a bullet into Hamilton during a duel, it would most likely be 3:1. Still, one has to consider the fact that in this time of the unspeakable R–word (“recession” – a depressing word), Hamilton is only one of two non-presidents featured on currently issued U.S. bills. (The other I’ll leave as a surprise.) And it was Hamilton who spit in the eye of the greatest economist of the time, Adam Smith, and engineered the U.S. economy based on such free-market heresies as protective tariffs. He was also responsible for the establishment of a central bank, a believer in government intervention in favor of business (just the man to handle a $700 billion bailout), and, in 1789, negotiated the first loan obtained by the Federal Government. So it seems only fair to value Hamilton at ½ .
The Twenty-Dollar Bill
The twenty-dollar bill has the portrait of a lawyer-president that looks striking like a member of an 80’s soft-rock band. I’m not lying. If your pocket is empty just go to one of those pay-day loan centers and borrow $20 for one minute and take a look. The “double-sawbuck” (or the “yuppie food stamp” of ATMs) features Andrew Jackson looking like the lead singer from Air Supply.
The Fifty-Dollar Bill
About five percent of all notes printed today have a general on them – the “mark of McCain.” The “Grant,” in other words, features Ulysses S. Grant – the eighteenth president of the United States. So as of 1914, when Grant’s portrait first appeared on the fifty, the score became lawyers 3 ½ (the ½ being the Hamilton ten-dollar bill); military men 2.
The One Hundred-Dollar Bill
Neither lawyer nor military man win with regard to the one hundred-dollar bill. This denomination of currency bears the portrait of Benjamin Franklin, statesman, inventor, and diplomat. It is one of two current notes that does not feature a president of the United States – the other, as we saw, is the “sawbuck,” featuring lawyer-statesman Alexander Hamilton. So the score remains at 3 ½ to 2.
$500, $1,000, $5,000, $10,000, and $100,000-Dollar Bills
As of 1969, all bills above $100 have been officially retired. And all the better for the military men. The reason is easily demonstrated: lawyer-President William McKinley was on the $500; lawyer-President Grover Cleveland was on the $1,000; the $5,000 bill featured the portrait of President James Madison (neither lawyer nor military man); the portrait of the one-dollar bill-loser-lawyer and Supreme Court Justice Salmon P. Chase was on the $10,000 – only to be wiped out again; and the Big Dog $100,000 bill featured the portrait of lawyer-President Woodrow Wilson. All of this seems to be to the punch line for the set up: “What do you call five dead lawyers? A good start.” If we were to include the high dollar bills, the count would be 7 (½ for Hamilton; ½ for Chase) to 2 – with James Madison and Benjamin Franklin neither hurting nor helping either cause. But dead is dead. So the count remains 3 ½ to 2.
A STRAIGHT 1 TO 43 COUNT TEST
But is mean green really the way to analyze whether our next president should be a military man or a lawyer? After all there are presidents who have never made it into anyone’s pocket, wallet or purse – except through taxes. So of the forty-three presidents so far what is the lawyer versus military man count? The answer is 23 for the lawyers and 8 for the military men – a slaughter on the order of magnitude of General George Custer at Bull Run or the slave, Dred Scott, before the United States Supreme Court. The run down looks like this (starting with the military men): Washington (1st); Harrison (9th); Taylor (12th); Grant (18th); Garfield (20th); T. Roosevelt (26th); Eisenhower (34th); and a “give me” – Jimmy Carter (39th). And only two worth a buck or more. On the lawyer side there is: J. Adams (2nd); Jefferson (3rd); Monroe (5th); J. Q. Adams (6th); Jackson (7th); Van Buren (8th); Tyler (10th); Polk (11th); Fillmore (13th); Pierce (14th); Buchanan (15th); Lincoln (16th); Hayes (19th); Arthur (21st); Cleveland (22nd and, strangely enough, 24th); Harrison (23rd); McKinley (25th); Taft (27th); Wilson (28th); Coolidge (30th); F.D. Roosevelt (32nd); Nixon (37th); Ford (38th); and W.J. Clinton (42nd). But only three with a spendable portrait.THE LATE-NIGHT CALL TEST
You might still be confused about how to answer the lawyer versus military-man question. After all the folding-money test did not produce a clear winner – unless you count the dead money lawyer-presidents. And that doesn’t seem fair. After all, the Federal Government must have had a good reason for killing them, along with James Madison (the drafter of the Bill of Rights). And while the numerical count did produce a clear winner (23 (lawyers) to 8 (military men)), it is certainly questionable that shear numbers equal what we value most – or at least, should value most. There are, after all, billions of cockroaches and only a few bald eagles.So how should we assess value? One way is to ask, as proposed by former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, who do you want answering the “red phone” in the middle of the night. Her answer was her. Obama’s is still him. And McCain, a military man, assures us that he sleeps with one eye open; ready to answer on the first ring. On this basis, a number of our 43 presidents have had to answer the phone (at least metaphorically) during a time of crisis. And arguably one of the most intense periods of crisis occurs when we are at war (or at least heading into one). So how have the lawyers and military men done in the heat of battle?
The Revolutionary War
One might jump to the shining example of George Washington – general and president – as someone who demonstrates the value of having a military man answering the ringing, red phone. But is this really the case? When exactly did General George put in his “wooden teeth” and take that late-night call? The answer is arguably never. (And not just because the phone hadn’t yet been invented.) He certainly performed brilliantly as the military leader of the American revolutionary forces – but he was not president. And by the time he was elected president, the revolutionary war was over.
It is arguable, however, that at one point during his presidency he decided to stay in bed with Martha – even though the phone was ringing off the hook.
George’s anti-war stance was in the midst of the French Revolution. It was during this blood bath that a war broke out between France and England. Washington was under intense pressure to take sides – France or England? And interesting enough the French cause was headed up by Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson and the English backer was Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton, both who, as we have seen, have currency. But to Washington’s credit he told both of these barking lawyers to cease and desist. In other words: no. He made the executive decision, at some risk to his re-election chances, that the U.S. should take a neutral position.
But if we put President Washington’s anti-war stance on the side of the military men, we arguably have to put President John Adam’s anti-war decision on the side of the lawyers. And so we will.
When Adams became the second president of the United States, the war between the French and the British was still going strong; causing difficulties for the United States. The high seas became an increasingly dangerous place for American commerce and intense partisanship among contending factions started pressuring Adams to take action. Go after the French! No, go after the British!
Adams decided to focus on the French – but not with guns. Instead he sent three commissioners to France. The Foreign Minister Talleyrand and the ruling Directory, however, refused to negotiate unless they first received something of value. No, not simply an acknowledgement of France’s greatness – but a big fat bribe.
Congress responded to this insult by appropriating money to complete new frigates and to build additional ships. It also authorized the raising of a provisional army and passed the Alien and Sedition Acts, intended to frighten foreign agents and to stifle attacks on the Federalists (Adam’s party) by Republican editors. President Adam, to his credit, did not declare war on the British or the French – and in the end lost his re-election bid because of his anti-war stance. Nevertheless the country, in 1801, transitioned into the hands of another lawyer: Thomas Jefferson.
So the most that we can say at this point is that neither military man nor lawyer answered the late-night war call – except to listen and then hang up. Something that an increasing number of people wished had happened during President George W. Bush’s term in office. But with a Masters in Business Administration, he is in a category all his own.
The War of 1812
The War of 1812 advances neither the military men’s nor the lawyers’ cause. The reason is that the president at the time was Madison, described by Washington Irving as “withered little apple-John.” But if push came to shove, Madison, who was well-read in the law, would clearly fall into the lawyer column.
The seeds of the War stemmed from the on-going fight between the French and the English. In fact Madison’s involvement in this conflict started when he was secretary of state during lawyer-President Jefferson’s term in office. It was Madison’s assignment to argue to both warring Britain and France that their seizures of American ships was contrary to international law – as if they didn’t already know it. So like uppity Israel buzzing in the ear of ancient Rome, the British decided to burn down our temples – the White House and the Capitol. But Andrew Jackson came to the rescue – winning a few notable naval and military victories, including the Battle of New Orleans. (Remember this is when he used a ‘gator as a canon – or some such thing.) The fact is that General Jackson raked up enough victories to convince the country that the War of 1812 had been gloriously successful. This tactic seems to be a precedent for the Obama-approach to the war in Iraq.
It might be argued that General Jackson (7th president of the United States and valued at twenty dollars a pop) should count for the military men. But don’t forget, he was also a lawyer – and he was much more of a lawyer-politician than a career military man. And even more to the point, no one was ringing the red phone during his presidency.
The War of 1847
The War of 1847 is commonly called the Mexican-American War, ending in 1848 with the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. And the country’s military’s commander and chief was lawyer-President James Polk.
We had our eye on California. So Polk sent an envoy to offer Mexico $20,000,000, plus the settlement of damage claims alleged to be owned to Americans. In exchange for this consideration, the United States was to get California and, for good measure, the New Mexico area. Since it would have been political suicide for any Mexican leader to cede half of his county, the United States envoy was not received. Therefore, in order to induce Mexico into accepting our offer, President Polk sent General Zachary Taylor (later to become the 20th president of the United States – and clearly a military man) to put up a show of force on the banks of the Rio Grande. The Mexican troops interpreted this move as an act of aggression, which it was, and attacked Taylor. Congress declared war and American forces pushed their way into Mexico City. The War came to an abrupt end and Mexico ceded California, Nevada, and Utah, and parts of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Wyoming for $15,000,000 (a $5,000,000 penalty being assessed), although Polk actually wanted more, and American assumption of the damage claims.
The red phone count at this point in history was lawyers 2 (J. Adams; Polk); military men 1 (Washington).
The Civil War
The Civil War was arguable started and clearly finished by one of America’s greatest presidents: lawyer-President Abraham Lincoln. And not only did Abe save the Union, he drafted (with all the pizzazz of a bill of lading) the Emancipation Proclamation – freeing the Southern slaves. He may have suspended the writ of habeas corpus, but when the red phone rang (day and night) he made hundred of important decisions that helped turn the reunited United States into the world’s leading military and economic power. So one more for the lawyers and the red phone.
The Spanish-American War
The Spanish-American War was a conflict between Spain and the United States that started in April 1898 and ended August 1898. It began (supposedly) after rejection of America’s demanded that Spain peacefully resolve Cuba’s fight for independence. But there has long been a suspicion that the true motivation for the War was the United States’ desire to grab Spain’s remaining overseas territories – including Cuba. Most likely, however, the original impetus for the war was to remove Old World control over a territory very close to the United States. In other words, to increase our zone of privacy.
And who answered the phone – lawyer-President William McKinley, later shot dead by an anarchist. The $500 dollar-bill man initially resisted the public demand for war. But McKinley was unable to get Spain to agree to implement reforms in its governance of such territories as Cuba, the Philippines and Puerto Rico. And the constant yellow journalism of such newspaper men as William R. Hearst (a.k.a. “Citizen Kane”) lead to the American cry: “Remember the Maine, To hell with Spain!” (The USS Maine, anchored in the Havana Harbor had mysteriously gone up in flames and 266 men lost their lives.)
This was the war in which Teddy Roosevelt and his “Rough Riders” charged up a hill outside of Santiago, Cuba. The battle of San Juan Hill spread out into popular culture partly because it lead directly to the political rise of military-man Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president of the United States – a McCain role model. But it is important to remember that the war call did not come to Roosevelt while he was president, unless one counts the shock and awe that he unleashed on Big Business.
World War I and II
Both World Wars go to the lawyers. In the case of mankind’s first world war (if one leaves out the French and Indian War), the late-night call came to lawyer-President Thomas Woodrow Wilson. He tried to maintain U.S. neutrality – at least until the German Empire began unrestricted submarine warfare. He wrote several nasty notes to Germany – but to no avail. Eventually he was “forced” to ask Congress to declare war on the Central Powers – in order to “make the world safe for democracy.” But either to his credit or condemnation (depending on how you look at it), Wilson focused on diplomacy and financial matters (apparently, according to military-man McCain, not his strong suit) and left the waging of the war primarily in the hands of the military establishment (arguably McCain’s area of dominance over Obama).
World War II was, in large part, the result of the economic vengeance heaped on Germany after the end of World War I. And there is no question that America’s entry and victory in that war (along with the inconvenience of the Great Depression) was in the hands of lawyer-President Franklin D. Roosevelt – considered, along with lawyer-President Lincoln, to be one of America’s greatest presidents. The phone rang loud and clear when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. It was then that Roosevelt began openly organizing the Nation’s manpower and resources for global war. His famous first inaugural statement: “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” was no more true than at that point in our Nation’s history. So another one for the lawyers.
The Korean Conflict
The “Forgotten War” was an escalation of border clashes between two rival Korean regimes. After failing to strengthen their cause in the 1950 free elections held in South Korea and the South’s refusal to hold new elections as demanded by the North, the communist North Korean army marched south in an attempt to reunite the peninsula (which had formally been divided since 1948). This “civil war” expanded as a result of the United States’ and the Soviet Union’s involvement.
Since the red phone was answered by a haberdasher, no points go to either the military men or the lawyers. It was in June 1950, when the Communist government in North Korea attacked South Korean, that President Harry S. Truman promptly conferred with his military advisers. The consensus was that “whatever had to be done to meet this aggression had to be done.” It was the time of the Cold War.
The Vietnam Conflict
The Vietnam Conflict (“Second Indochina War”) took place between 1959 and April 30, 1975. The war was fought between the Communist supported Democratic Republic of Vietnam and the United States supported Republic of Vietnam. It ended with the defeat and dissolution of South Vietnam. And as for the United States, the war ended with the withdrawal of American troops and the failure of its foreign policy in Vietnam.
For purposes of the late-night call test, it can be said that the war was kicked into gear by President John F. Kennedy (neither a lawyer nor truly a military man) and President Lyndon B. Johnson (neither a military man nor a lawyer) – but it was ended by the ever-so-interesting, lawyer-President Richard M. Nixon.
This ends the late-night call survey – and the winner is? The lawyers: 7 (J. Adams; Polk, Lincoln; McKinley; Wilson; Roosevelt; and Nixon (?)) to 1 (Washington) for the military men. But you might still be thinking, something seems wrong. How do we know if the lawyer-presidents who answered the red phone gave the right answer? Perhaps we shouldn’t have fought the War of 1847 or the Civil War or the Spanish-American War, or World War I or World War II, or caved-in on Vietnam. Or perhaps all of these wars were “just wars,” but might have been better managed if a military man had been in charge. Questions and concerns that certainly apply to the war in Iraq and the “war on terror.” And the skills and temperament to handle war may not be the ones needed to get us out of the economic shit storm that we have gotten ourselves into.
So if the wad-of-cash test, the straight numerical test, and the late-night call test do not definitively answer the question as to whether we should have a lawyer or military man in the White House after 2008, then how is the decision to be made …? My clear, firm answer to this important question is – why ask me, I’m just a lawyer – think for yourself!
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